What is it that happy people do or know that allows them to enjoy a human existence?
So far I have come up with three rules for happiness. I call them Steinman’s Rules for Happiness.[1]
1.
Allow
yourself to feel what you are feeling, when you are feeling it. Talk about it.
Let’s
unpack that a bit.
Happy
people know that being unhappy is not a problem or a disease. It’s part of the human experience.
Before you go all crazy on me, please know that I am NOT talking about the very
real and debilitating experience of chronic or clinical depression. I’m talking
about the blues. Rather than trying to fix their blues, happy people are
present with their feelings. Rather than suppressing their anger, they find
healthy ways to be in it and express it. Happy people understand that a fully
human experience is dynamic and rich and most certainly includes joys and
pains. That is the way we are built folks. Happy people accept that it is
natural to have a range of emotions.
2.
Do
things that you can be proud of.
Unpacking
time:
Happy
people have a self-esteem
predicated upon some pretty healthy criteria. They behave in ways that they can
be proud of. It happens to be a great yardstick by which to measure your
behavior; is this something I can be proud of or not? When we behave in ways
that will plant the seeds of shame, we are practicing being miserable. This
ties into rule number one. Often when you are behaving in a way that you are
not proud of it is because you are trying to protect yourself from feeling
shame, or fear, or anger, or sadness. If you allowed yourself to stay present
with the feeling when it came up, you might not be defending yourself in such a
maladaptive way. The antidote for these uncomfortable feelings is doing things
that you truly can be proud of. The tough part is figuring out what that is.
Doing it is relatively easy.
3.
Be
in loving relationships.
No
big secret. Again, it’s the way we are built. We need it and we need to give
it. Imagine a loveless life……no thank you! The thing is, caring and sharing are
essential for our own happiness. I can’t help thinking about my grandfather
when I talk about this. He was not an overtly loving or demonstrative man. But
put the man near a puppy or one of his beloved dogs and he radiated joy. It was
the simplest of affections, give the dog a treat or a scratch behind the ears
and the old man was home.
One
quick diversion into “loving yourself”. I always hated that saccharine flavored
sentiment. It always sounded like something from a poorly worded book jacket
in the self-help aisle. Be kind to yourself feels a bit more authentic. Happy
people don’t go around “loving” themselves. They really don’t take themselves
too seriously, and love just seems too serious a word. What they do is extend
the everyday kindnesses to themselves as well as others. Look you are going to
mess up….a lot. Happy people just don’t spend a whole lot of time beating
themselves up over this. Unhappy people spend a great deal of energy on
self-flagellation. It’s one of their favorite pastimes. Happy people are a
forgiving lot. They may not throw a parade for all the screw-ups that permeate the
human experience. Nor will they waste too much time agonizing over that stupid
slip of the tongue at so and so’s wedding ten years ago.[2]
Being a happy person might just be that simple:
1.
Do
things that you can be proud of.
2.
Be
in loving relationships.
3.
Allow
yourself to feel what you are feeling, when you are feeling it.
-Talk
about it.
Oh and be nice. Mean people suck.
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